Journal
by obik16
Summary: "I hate this! I hate being his padawan! He criticizes everything I do and he probably wouldn't notice if I went missing for a year. Master says he does this to get the darkness out of me. Am I dark? Is that why no one else will take me, why no one but my four friends like me? What if I am? What if I wasn't meant to be a Jedi, and I should just quit right now?
1. Chapter 1

I wasn't snooping. Really, I wasn't. My master left his desk in his old room when I became his padawan, so technically it was mine. Which meant everything in it was mine. So it wasn't snooping. I was "exploring". I only used the desk for homework and building things, and I never checked the drawers. I guess I got curious as to what my master may have stored in there, but I was too busy to really care. But with the war and my wife and all, it was easy to get bored on leave, so this time the curiosity got the best of me.

And now here I was, thirteen years later, opening them for the first time. The first drawer was filled with pencils, plain and colored. Well, what had I expected? A treasure map or a murder confession or something? Not from my master. Obi-Wan was as boring as dust. But as I dug around a little, I found a stack of papers, which was odd enough as it was. Paper was hard to come by in the temple, what with all the datapads and holoviewers and technology like that. Mom used to bring home sand paper when I was little. No, not the dry scratchy stuff that flakes off grit. Regular paper only made of sand. But this stuff was high quality. And each piece had a drawing on it. Beautifully colored sunsets and gardens with waterfalls, well done portraits of knights and padawans, quick loose sketches that made even my best artwork look like a three year old finger painted it. I couldn't believe my master made them. I never guessed Obi-Wan could be artistic.

I sorted out the best and placed them on the desk before stashing the rest safely in the drawer, deciding to ask Obi-Wan about them later. The second drawer is where this gets interesting. Because in there I found….absolutely nothing. I frowned, disappointed that there wasn't anything there. Wait, what was that? One corner was lifted up slightly, and I peeled it off. Lo and behold, a secret compartment! Obi-Wan, you are a clever one.

In the compartment there was a leather bound book. Not very big, no fancy cover or ornate designs. Just a little leather strap to keep it closed. I picked it up and opened it, hoping to find more drawings, and was disappointed yet again. There were just words written in pencil, on every page. Maybe this was… oh my Force. Was this… no, it couldn't be…was this my master's _diary?_

I snickered slightly at the thought. Girls had diaries, boys didn't. It was a rule of life. Torn between wanting to respect my best friend's privacy and wanting to know what kind of sappy stuff he put in this, the latter curiosity won and I flipped to the first page and began reading.


	2. Chapter 2

_Journal-_

_This was not my idea. Bant told me that either I filled in a journal, or she told the mind healers what she knew. I didn't want to get Master Qui – Gon in trouble, so I agreed. I don't like this. Jedi don't own possessions, so why should I have one? I've decided only to write in you when something happens, not something like telling you my breakfast or something like that. I have no idea what to write in it anyway. Classes are boring, no new missions, nothing exciting going on. You'd think being a padawan finally would be more … entertaining? I don't know. It would be very boring around here if master didn't keep giving me chores or homework to do._

_And that's another thing. If someone had told me what having a master would be like, I might have thought about leaving for Bandomeer sooner. Master Jinn is a great master, except he can be a little…forceful sometimes. He always seems angry, even when I do something right, and there's always this sense of hatred from him. Did I do something? Of course I did. A master like him doesn't just not like someone because they're a little socially awkward. It must have been from when I left the Order for Melida/ Daan. He was so mad then._

_Don't get me wrong, I am thankful the Force gifted me with such a mentor, but he is sometimes rough. He has never beaten me or anything but…I'd be lying if I said he's never laid a hand on me._


	3. Chapter 3

_Journal-_

_I said I would only write something when it was important. So I am._

_Master hit me today. It wasn't anything big, just a small slap on my arm. But it still hurt. He yells at me if I do anything wrong, and in front of others he will use a sickly sweet tone that I know means 'you're in trouble, padawan'. And it's always padawan! Not Obi-Wan, just padawan. It's so frustrating, especially since I don't know if things are ever going to get better._

_Sometimes I wonder why he even chose me in the first place._


	4. Chapter 4

_Journal-_

_Bant knows. She's seen the bruises master so carefully placed where no one could see unless I showed them. My tunic shifted at lunch and she glimpsed one on my wrist. Before I could even react she yanked my sleeve up and saw the ones on my arm, the bruises and one cut. She just looked at me for a moment with a horrified expression before standing up and stating she was going to the council about this. I had to beg and plead with her not to, that it was fine and I'd handle it. Bant said she wouldn't, but I don't know if she told the truth._


	5. Chapter 5

_Journal-_

_I got called into Master Windu's office today. He said he just wanted to talk, but I knew Bant told him. He asked me if I was feeling okay, how classes were and what my friends were up to. I just nodded or gave one word answers to every question. He finally stopped beating around the bush and asked me how my master was. I said good, and he frowned. Master Windu leaned forward and asked if he touched me. I said no. He asked if Qui-Gon ever hurt me. I said no. I denied everything, because I knew my master would get in trouble if I told the truth, and then he wouldn't want me as his padawan and no one else would and I'd have to leave the Order. And my master would probably be arrested or something. _

_Master Windu asked if he could see my arm. I only showed him the part with one bruise and said I tripped in sabre class. He nodded like he believed me, but I don't think he did._

_This isn't over_


	6. Chapter 6

_Journal-_

_I hate this! I hate being his padawan! If I really wanted to be treated like this then I'd go down to the lower levels and wear clothes made of food and be attacked by starving lunatics! He beats me almost every week now, sometimes twice a day. He criticizes everything I do and he probably wouldn't notice if I went missing for a year. The only reason I'm still his padawan is because being a Jedi is all I've ever known, and no one else will take me if I asked._

_Master says he does this to get the darkness out of me. Am I dark? Is that why no one else will take me, why no one but my four friends like me? What if I am? What if I wasn't meant to be a Jedi, and I should just quit right now? After all, a master like Qui-Gon Jinn knows best._

_Right?_


	7. Chapter 7

_Journal-_

_I did not feel well today, and my temperature was 102.5. I had a fever, and since my master wasn't there, I decided it was best to stay home. A good decision, considering I threw up four times in the last three hours._

_But master was not happy when he came back to find me home. He yelled at me for an hour, he hit me multiple times, and this time I just couldn't take it. I yelled back, I let my anger take over, I did the wrong thing. Master thought so too. He asked how dare I defy him, and he slapped me across the face, and then picked me up and threw me into my room and locked the door. I didn't care. I just fell on my bed and cried, because I will never be a Jedi._

_Never._


	8. Chapter 8

_Journal-_

_I can't believe this. I really don't. Why did the Force do this?_

_I woke up last night when I heard two voices shouting. One was master's, the other sounded like Master Windu. As quietly as I could, I got out of bed and opened the door, noticing it wasn't locked anymore. I hid my force signature from the two people, a skill no one else knows I have. I was right. Master Windu was yelling at Master Jinn, and it didn't look good._

_"What the hell were you thinking?!" he shouted. "What did the boy do?"_

_"I have no idea what you are talking about, Mace"_

_Master Windu raised an eyebrow. "No? The take a look at this!" he said as he produced a small book from his back pocket. I was horrified to see it was this very journal, the one I had so carefully hidden every night…except tonight, the one night I needed to. I watched, petrified, as master's eyes darkened as he read my book._

_"That little twerp. Excuse me, Master, but I need to have a private conversation with my padawan." He growled. He started toward my room as I shrunk back, praying to the Force that I was hidden in the shadows. Master Windu grabbed master's arm and spun him around. _

_"You will do no such thing." He said in a deadly calm voice. "Qui-Gon Jinn, you are under arrest for assaulting a minor, with incriminating evidence." He shook the journal in his face._

_"No!" I shouted as I revealed myself to them. I couldn't let this happen because of me. They both looked at me_

_"Obi-Wan," Master Windu said quietly, "This is not the time."_

_Master Jinn, however, was sending thoughts through our bond. Thoughts about what he was going to do when Master Windu left and how I better get him out soon. The thoughts through the bond and all of the emotions and Force energy in the room were just too much._

_The last thing I saw before I fainted was master's hands being cuffed behind his back._


	9. Chapter 9

_Journal-_

_Today I woke up in a room that looked like a barren, gray version of mine. Another padawan bedroom. I didn't know whose, nor did I care. I hoped that last night was a nightmare, but I knew it wasn't. How could I have been so stupid as to not hide my journal? Master Qui-Gon is under arrest because I was so careless! It wasn't even that bad, some masters have different ways of teaching! And I'm a Jedi, I should get used to small stuff like that. So why did Master Windu do this? _

_I didn't really want to think about it so I went out into the main hall. I headed towards a light at the end of the hall. Guess who my temporary master is? Windu. Master Windu. He looked up and tried to talk to me as soon as I walked in, but I just asked for my journal and went back to the other room. I didn't want to talk to him after last night. I trusted him, and I shouldn't have. I might not trust anyone ever again if this happens every time._


	10. Chapter 10

_Journal-_

_Master Jinn is on probation. Master Windu mentioned his punishment would have been worse, but it was my decision on how severe it should be. I know the council disagreed with me, but I just want to have everything back to normal, so I can continue as a padawan. Master Windu has excused me from all of my classes without my consent, so I am stuck in his quarters until further notice. He said that unless I am willing to talk to a mind healer, I may prove to be a danger to the other students if something triggers a memory. I could barely contain my anger at this. It is bad enough they won't let me go back to my Master and continue being his padawan, but they also won't let me learn katas or diplomacy or anything else I need to be a Jedi! I don't understand that. The whole reason I am in this mess is because I am not good enough, so why won they let me get better? It's so frustrating!_

_Of course, Master Windu won't listen to me. All he does is ask me what happened, if I want to talk, say something about how this isn't my fault and I would feel better if I told someone, blah blah blah. I always say no and go back to "my" room. He doesn't push, but he's always telling me that he will be there if and when I need to talk. _

_Where was he when I needed him most?!_

_I don't know where that came from. I guess it's proof that I really can't control my emotions. And what is a Jedi of they can't control their emotions? Obviously not one at all._

_But I already knew I wasn't a very good Jedi. I mean, I still meditate and practice katas with a broom handle, but mostly I draw "stupid, childish doodles" as Master Jinn called them. When I first got accepted as his padawan, I decided to show my appreciation by (trying) to draw him. It worked out ok, but then Master ripped it up and yelled at me for wasting my time instead of using my spare time to meditate. I've been drawing a lot recently, and Master Windu walked in on me sketching before I had a chance to shove the papers under the bed. I expected him to yell at me too, but he didn't. Actually, he looked a little impressed._

_Maybe I'm not so worthless. Maybe._


End file.
